One liner....!!!!

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

little poem for my lazy friends including ME ;)

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication
engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had
never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an
admission into it ..
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in
12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.
But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not
invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I
will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete
your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But
you know, these cricket matches and football
world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.
So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took
4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I
will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,
thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think
they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be
banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never
thought I would complete it. In fact, when i
flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus
corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower'
education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms
have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my
current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have
experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet
in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a
higher version than VB. I heard very soon they
are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e
times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.
Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining
BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know
Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to
dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And
very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality' ,'versioncontrol ','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not
have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear
t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so
as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer
US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in
China in the current year, I don't mind
going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't
have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to ********

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of ********

Politically correct jOkEs

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

'I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything.'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs.. I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

============ ========= ========= ========= ====

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, 'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The bar man says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ....... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.

The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'

The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'

The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog '

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

a short LOVE story....!!!!

Rolls Royce Loan

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67.

The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?“

The businessman replied, “Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?”

Bollywood, Tollywood and Kollywood

See what your favorite superstars can do:

Bollywood Badhshah Shahrukh Khan
Shahrukh ,the batsman needs to score 10 runs of 1 ball........ .......


Bowler bowls it and Shahrukh glides it to 3rd man......... .....the ball goes to boundary line Shahrukh runs for 3 runs, fielder throws at non-striker it misses the stumps and goes for over-throw, ShahRukh runs again for 3 , this time fielder tactic fully throws at Keepers end, Keeper Misses it goes for a 4 runs. In the background Vande Mathram....

Shahruk WINS the match....... ......... ......... ......... .

Tollywood Tiger - Cheeru
Cheeru ,the batsman needs to score 10 runs of 1 ball........ .......

Bowler bowls it and Cheeru hits with tremendous power....... .......the ball goes far away and UMPIRES are forced to give 12 runs for that.
Cheeru WINS the match....... ......... ......... ......... .

Kollywood King - Rajni
Rajni ,the batsman needs to score 10 runs of 1 ball........ .......
Bowler bowls it and Rajini hits with tremendous power....... .......the ball splits into "TWO"
1 half goes to SIX.....The other half goes to FOUR........ .....
Rajini WINS the match....... ......... ......... ......... .

Do you have email address!!

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed."

He said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the super market and buy a 10Kg
tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every
day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleetof delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was oncluded, the broker asked him his email.

The man replied, "I don't have an email".

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if
you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, " Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

NOTE: Now close all you email addresses and go n start

Catch a rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Best Divorce Letter!!

Dear hubby,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.. I've
been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell..

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the
last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your
games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
________________________________________

FOLLOWING IS THE RESPONSE FROM THE HUSBAND


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown
out your constant whining & gripe Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything
if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork 7 years ago.. About those new silk dress: I turned away
from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was
a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from
me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets
to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as
Carla(woman) ......... .I hope that's not a problem

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that’s on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies “It’s simple, really. There’s an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems.” Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! — made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says “Superman, you can be a real ——- when you’re drunk!”

Definitions of Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.



HR Manager is a person who thinks that...
a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

LEGAL AND LOGICAL

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot givethe student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A",as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him thesame question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 yearold lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have givenyour wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, isneither legal, nor logical."

6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years . . .

********
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
********
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
********
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
********
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
********
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
********
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
********
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
********
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
********
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself